Happy Birthday to Me!

By Ben

So, my birthday was Sunday and it got me thinking. If I could have anything I wanted, I mean anything from the Millennium Falcon to a Danger Room, what would I get? Surprisingly I’ve never really thought about it if reality wasn’t a question. So, on a suggestion from Max I decided to finally figure out exactly what I, a 27 year old geek from south Jersey, would ask for if I had the universe as my gift giver.

Without further ado – and no particular order – here is a Top 10 List of Ben’s dream birthday gifts:

10: Deckard’s Gun (Blade Runner)

deckard gun

Ok, I admit it, I like the look.

There is just something undeniably cool about this gun. Despite its oddly shaped look, little flashy lights – and just generally looking more like a futuristic Nerf gun than a high powered police issue sidearm – in the hands of a blade runner like Deckard, this gun takes on a whole new persona. It becomes cool. It becomes this hardcore blaster that you forget is kind of bubbly and turns into a badass piece of replicant stopping hardware. It’s been a nerd favorite forever and a day. So much so that is has been feature in multiple Fallout games through the years. This gun makes risking your life trying to “retire” dangerous nearly human androids a worthy occupation.

 

9: A Rancor (Star Wars)

rancor4_913

Gamorrean, the other white meat.

Before I get into this, yes I know that the rancor is a huge monster capable of eating a human (or giant pig alien) in two bites. I also know that it has a penchant for being ornery, hungry, violent, and dangerous. What those who have read Star Wars’ Expanded Universe material is that there is another side to a rancor that is rarely seen. Surprisingly enough, rancors are actually fairly intelligent, capable of being used as a battle mount. They are even known to give their lives for the protection of humanoids they trust. They’re like giant, mutant, bipedal, lizardy Rottweilers. If you treat them with care they can become vital to the protection of your crime den or moisture farm. Hell, they can take out a krayt dragon, one on one. That’s a pretty badass beast.

8: A Mecha (Nearly Every Other Anime Series)

Gundam_illustration

Robo-Pimp

From the Zords of Power Rangers to the lithe and alien mechs in Evangelion, you can’t get much better than a giant freakin’ robot suit. Known to take on everything from violent aliens, futuristic military, and each other, mechs seem to tap into every young nerd’s imagination and grabs hold. I don’t think I have ever met someone who didn’t think a giant robot was cool. If I did, I’d probably form Megazord and kick their ass.

7: A Delorean (The 80s, also Back to the Future)

back-to-the-future-wallpaper-

Helping Oedipus Complexes around the world

This sounds really odd, but in all truth I’d love to own a Delorean. It wouldn’t even have to be the one Doc Brown modded to travel time at 88 mph. There is something interesting about those cars. Maybe it’s the gull wings or the fact that John Delorean drove his company into the ground Scarface style, full of coke and crushed dreams (allegedly). Either way the Delorean was futuristic even without Michael J. Fox. Now where’s my flux capacitor?

6: Replicator (Star Trek)

Galaxy-class_replicator

Yes Data, she is pretty, isn’t she?

What can I say? I’m all about instant gratification. In the Star Trek universe that itch for a Big Mac, or a nice energy drink to keep the D&D session going can be met at a moment’s notice.  Think on that for a moment. You wake up at 2a, craving baked salmon on a bed of ginger spiced wild rice. You have two options: either you go downstairs and spend the hour and a half cooking the meal, or go back to bed miserable that you can’t have nice food. Now imagine all you’ve got to do is roll over, hit a button, and command your replicator to make that food. Thirty seconds later you have a perfectly cooked filet of salmon and the best rice you’ve ever tasted. That, my friends, is any fat kid’s dream, this one included. Plus, if Picard is any way to judge, this thing makes an awesome Earl Grey tea.

5: A Utility Belt (Superhero Comics)

utility belt

Nanananananana, Batman!

When it’s good enough for Bats, it is good enough for me. A utility belt is a crime fighter’s dream. With everything from tear gas to a zip line, the utility belt is your one stop shop for gadgety goodness. Whether you are going after the Joker, repelling down a cave to save a car full of preschoolers, or stalking that hot chick in apartment 12B, the utility belt has the tool for the job. Plus, if that girl happens to notice you creeping outside her window, a quick blast of pepper spray and a smoke bomb should fix that mess.

4: Dogmeat (Fallout 3)

fallout-3-dogmeat

Badass Bros to the end.

A boy and his dog, it’s a team that has stood the test of time and transcended every genre of story in existence. For me, there was no better personification of that than Fallout 3’s Dogmeat. He wasn’t just a dog; he was a battle-brother, a force to be reckoned with when he leveled, and the one person in the Capitol Wastes that didn’t care if you were trying to save the world, or Fat Man-ing the crap out of Megaton. He was just glad to be by your side. I can honestly say I have never felt for a video game character more than I felt for Dogmeat. There was even a point where I had been playing for nearly three hours without saving, I was just so into the mission at the time. During an assault on a Brotherhood Outcast patrol party, we were all ambushed. I lost my Dogmeat to a Deathclaw that day. Enraged I launched every missile, every bullet, and every grenade I had into anything that moved. After my bloodlust subsided, I reloaded my last checkpoint. I was willing to sacrifice my three hours of progress just to have my dog back. More than worth it to have my best canine friend with me when we took down the Enclave.

3: Proton Pack: (Ghostbusters)

backpack-laser-proton-pack

Just don’t cross the streams.

Ghostbusters for me has always been one of those series that I fell in love with and wish it was still going strong. I love the idea: Four 30-something “doctors” use their obsession with the paranormal and their technical wizardry to form their very own ghost extermination business. If the Orkin man met Van Helsing and had a baby, that baby would be a Ghostbuster. Proton packs are the team’s main weapon against the phantasmal jail-breakers. Able to capture and hold a specter steady in so they can be captured, proton packs are a marvel of movie technology. From the sound of them powering up to the sizzle and lights of opening fire on a ghoul, proton packs are one of the most recognizable tools to kids of the 80s and 90s

2: [Modified] YT-1300 (Star Wars)

millenium-falcon

Only thing cooler is her captain.

It’s the Millennium Falcon. It made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. That should be all I have to say.

1: Every Video Game System ever!

allConsoles

Look at this…seriously…just look.

That’s right. I literally want every video game system that ever existed.

As Nerdstafari’s resident gaming expert, almost nothing to me is more deserving of my time and attention than video games. I live, breathe, and bleed video games. From my days playing the NES as a very young child, to my current playthrough of Bioshock Infinite, video games are one of the biggest and longest term obsessions I have ever known. Having all of those systems is the hardcore gamer’s wet dream. To be able to play Pit Fall one day and Uncharted 3 the next would be sublime. I’d be in gaming heaven. I’d have become one with the universe and reached Nirvana. I would be dining in the great halls of Asgard with Odin at my side. Most of all I’d probably just start crying like a baby because I’d be so damned happy.

There you have it. This list took a surprisingly long time to figure out for me. There are so many great gifts a nerd can receive. A Top 10 is a bit difficult when you’ve got lightsabers, spaceships, blasters, aliens, video games, RPGS, movies, books, and a nearly infinite number of other items to choose from. Somehow I was able to narrow it down. Keep in mind, this is my list. I’m sure there are items that you the audience feel were a great injustice to exclude. I can appreciate that and I hope that anyone reading this is willing to share their own ideas and opinions. It is never a bad thing when nerds come together to debate what is the coolest sci-fi weapon or alien species, even if that discussion ends with a lightsaber duel.

 

Good Game, all.

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